The way I see it.

Baby Girrrrl.

2009-07-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

Such a beautiful Mommy to be! Miss Shawn Joy will be the proud mother of a little baby girl any day now! We had a little photoshoot this past Sunday and it was so wonderful to be behind the camera again. They all came out beautiful because she is so beautiful!

2009-05-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

I have been back in Orlando for exactly one year now. The changes that have occurred blow my mind. But I am so excited for life and what is to come and all of the things I'm planning which are all things God has planned. I think the biggest lesson I've learned since I've moved back is to just let God lead the way. My plans mean nothing if He isn't at the top of my list. Which is why everything in life has led me back here.
In August I will be attending my fourth college and will be one year away from finally completing my degree in Social Work. From there comes a real world career helping people, a marriage, a masters degree and one day my very own art therapy center.

My life is not my own but I will certainly enjoy every moment of it.

2009-05-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

My own business card!
It's backwards but you get the point!

2009-05-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

Most days I can't see past myself to realize how blessed my life is. But today, it's all I could think about. Praise Him.

Daisy Fund.

2009-04-23T18:56:00.001-07:00

I've started the Daisy fund in order to purchase the most adorable thing I've ever laid eyes on. My very own english bulldog named daisy. She'll wear a yellow collar and snuggle with me in bed and we'll go on walks and i'll put her in my bicycle basket until she gets too big and then maybe i'll buy her a wagon or even a skateboard and she can be like meaty but...cuter. And I bet she'll jump all over Jesse and lick his face. At first he'll hate it but I know he'll love her so much. Ahhh..I just can't wait.

2009-04-22T21:19:00.001-07:00

my boyfriend is better than any other because he has an astronomy picture of the day that he looks at.

and,
if you're reading this, you are reading the blog of the new store manager for cefiore! Hellloooooo raise!

Summa Summa.

2009-04-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

The best thing about Florida is that when everyone else in the country is complaining about snow in April, I'm busy laying by the pool in my bikini covered in oil reading Lucky.

The sunshine means happiness which basically makes Florida the happiest place on earth.

Last night's moon was beautiful. Thank God for boyfriends (that live in the middle of nowhere) with hot tubs. It all makes enjoying the night sky that much better.

2009-04-03T08:00:00.001-07:00

I obviously mean throwing in the towel in a good way. As V-ron would say, "Just give it up to God." :)

A new job is in the works and i know summer is here when i put on sunscreen and i still get a sunburn.

Things I love today:
Rain falling from the big gray sky.
Clean sheets.
Breakfast with the boy.
Devendra singing sweet sweet spanish nothings into my ears.

The biggest lesson I've learned in the past two days is that waiting is always worth it and patience is more equal to faithfulness than I ever thought.

throwing in the towel.

2009-04-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

yep.

help!

2009-03-28T06:36:00.003-07:00

Bloggy friends,
Whenever I attempt posting pictures on this thing, it just never works! How do you all do it?

2009-03-28T06:26:00.000-07:00

I realized this morning when I woke up very hot and sweaty that it is time to retire the down comforter until November.
What a sad day this is.

Also, my dreams involved Shawn buying a $6,000 maternity dress to wear while she gave birth and Jesse proposed to me with a very diamond-y toe ring. Sometimes I wonder what my subconscious is up to.

Happy Saturday!

Sprinkle Sprankle.

2009-03-26T10:40:00.001-07:00

I'm so proud of my boy! Band Marino, As Tall As Lions and Dear and The Headlights played us all some tunes so we could boogie down last night. It was the first time in a long time Band Marino graced their hometown with their musical presence. Ruthie and I confessed that sometimes watching our hunk of burning loves' playing up there makes us a bit weepy. Silly girls we are.

I felt like such a housewife today (but I still live with my mom. weird. speaking of mom she totally partied with us all downtown last night). I got up and cooked Jesse and I breakfast, walked his inky butt out the door and spent my morning cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping and buying the most beautiful daisies this world has ever grown! One day this dream will come true.

Summer better hurry up. I need some sunshine kisses on my shoulders and chubby cheeks!

2009-03-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

let go.
be patient.
smile when it hurts.
cry because i'm happy.
love you just because i do.

i wouldn't be me any other way and my life wouldn't be perfect if it didn't have you.

afternoon moon.

Ends and beginnings.

2009-03-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

So much for unemployment! By the grace of God someone bought CeFiore and I go back to work tomorrow! I suppose there was a reason none of my attempts at finding a new job were successful. I heard talk of a store manager this time around and as far as I know I'm the only candidate! So many of my financial worries would be put to rest if that was in the cards for me but either way I'm just glad to have a job.

My parents divorce was finalized yesterday. It's such a relief. Mostly because I don't have to hear anyone complain about it anymore. No more talk of offers and so and so trying to steal my money and blah blah blah. Im just glad that my mom has found peace and hopefully my dad will too.

I'm learning to fall in love with myself. It's hard but worth the fight.

2009-03-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

My wedding is officially planned and he hasn't even proposed yet. Talk about being ahead of the game! :)

Three days left of my current job. Definitely feeling the effects of this deranged economy...being "laid off" isn't fun. I just hope none of this lasts forever because I'm scared and I hate hearing about politics and money and obama every 5 minutes.

Current life plan:
-become employed.
-pay off credit card debt.
-school. graduate next summer.
-get married.
-take a million photos.
-get rich to pay off student loans and car.

I'd say that's 80% possible. :)

I feel so strange because all I want to do is grow up. I'm not even entirely sure what that means but, I still want it. Maybe I'm just tired of depending on someone else (my mom) so heavily. Financially speaking of course. But I see no end to my debt anytime soon. The Nine12 workshop made me quite depressed for a bit. Excited to have a plan to stick to but sad to see how much money I don't have to pay the bills I do have. Ehh.

Saturday evening I was given the opportunity to do my first wedding. It was odd and awkward but a good experience. I think I learned that I don't want to photograph weddings. It's too annoying and too stressful for me to handle.

I just want to take pictures and bind books. Who wants to bind books with me and sell them? It's fun, I promise.

Oh, Jesus.

2008!

2009-01-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

January:
Became better friends with my best friends. Spent New Years in FL with Jesse and friends. Played (and won) many poker games and drunkenly broke bottles on the kitchen floor. Returned to Chicago, Jesse joined me and kept me company in the wintery wonderland for about two weeks. First visit to the emergency room for my heart.

February:
Started spring semester. Hated color processing for about three weeks. Became friends with Alex and Dani. Thought I was going to die at Lisa's apt when gunshots were fired. $28 cab ride for free because i was just that drunk.

March:
Cardiologist #1 and EP study #1. First successful ablation and hospital stay. Took a 6 hour train ride all the way to Pontiac Michigan to meet up with Band Marino. Spent 2 days with the boys before we reached my apartment in Chicago. Busted my ass 3 or 4 times on the ice.

April:
Pissed off a lot of people at work. Almost got fired for booking a plane ticket home for spring break without asking for time off. One week in Orlando was all I needed. Decided to move home from Chicago at the end of the semester. Became even better friends with Alex and Dani.

May:
Made my first photo book. Said goodbye to Alex Dani Jeremy and Lisa. Cried a lot. Packed up. Quit my job. Moved home. Dylon and Ruthie's wedding.

June:
Turned 22. Road trip to a Cabin in the mountains of NC for Jesse and I's one year anniversary. Got a job, spent too much time inside.

July:
40s on the fourth. Got mad. Got over it. Nathan and Anna get hitched. Met Shawn. Stress test, ultra sound, blood work. cyst ruptured. thyroid disease.

August:
EP study and Ablation #2. Started DSC. New Camera.

September:
Hated school, bought my own car, hated my job but loved my life.

October:
Found my niche in photography. Super Tuesday Ladies night. Conflict resolved. Hugged a giraffe. Pebbles and bam bam for halloween.

November:
First holiday season home. Awkward thanksgiving. Pet a cow. Lost my mind.

December:
Finals. Finally a good photography review. Portfolio night. First Christmas move marathon-hated it. Georgia & Uncle Jesse. Smokey New Years.

Other than all of the health problems, 2008 was great!

2008-12-07T18:41:00.001-08:00

I'm in this place where I don't understand anything around me and honestly, I don't have the desire to try and understand. My life has been such an awkward mess for the past...22 years and I'm just now trying to sort it out.

I've never really understood the concept of family. My family is everything but what I wish it would be. Everything I've always tried to avoid, every feeling of being pushed and pulled, wishing that my family in the future wouldn't turn out this way, is starring me straight in the face. Who knew that this would intrude on every area of my life? I see my mom everyday and I see how happy she is (slowly) becoming. She's learned to stand up for herself and for once is doing something for herself. I saw my dad about two weeks ago and I could hardly look at him. He looked so stressed and just tired. He's struggling in every way. It almost makes me feel guilty for being here with my mom but she's not the one that left. He was always the one who left. He just makes me feel like I don't exist. He doesn't talk and he doesn't listen, forcing me to ignore his "You never call me" complaints. Why would I? He hasn't even told me where he lives. I didn't want to choose and I'm not really sure if I have. I'm just hurt. He's never been a bad father but it doesn't feel like he was ever really there.

I want so badly to move on. To finally get over everything I've ever experienced. I don't know how. A year and a half ago I thought it was a great idea to move 1000 miles away in order to move on and it all brought me back. Now, in the midst of being lost, I find myself wishing I never moved home. I'm frustrated with an out of date school who teaches you to be like everyone else and I'm just so overwhelmed with everything else riding on my shoulders it's difficult to be optimistic. But I know that I have to be here. I couldn't be in Chicago because I was running away from everything and myself. I have to be here in order to move on. Whenever I get upset I always tell Jesse that I want to leave and he always says that running away doesn't fix anything, that my problems will follow me where ever I am. I guess I'm more like my dad than I thought.

I have visions and ideas and dreams. I want to be a good photographer, a better friend, a better daughter, a better girlfriend, a wife, a better lover, more giving, a more passionate follower of Christ....

I'm just scared of it all. So terribly scared.

2008-10-21T09:48:00.001-07:00

I think he reinvented me.

Most of the time I want to be Sally Mann. What an extraordinary woman.

new.

2008-08-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

new camera.
new school.
new flash.
new remote release.
new light meter.
new hard drive.
new room.
NEW CAR!!!

heart beats.

2008-08-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

Another cardiologist, another heart monitor, another test. This all sort of feels like it's never going to end. At least someone told me I wasn't going to die and a heart attack wasn't really possible. I was also told that there was a 5% chance this would never come back...looks like I'm in that 5%. Burning didn't work, freezing better or I'll have a pacemaker until the end of time.

August 29th will be the moment of truth and hopefully ablation number two will be more successful than the first one.

Money, Money, Money!

2008-07-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

i guess i'm about to (unwillingly) enter the world of digital photography. i bought photoshop cs3 this afternoon and this weekend i will be purchasing my very first digital slr, a nikon d60 (and i just paid for classes). blah. at least i'll have a brand new medium format in a few weeks to run to when i get tired of megapixels and photoshop.

life gets more and more expensive everyday.

2008-07-20T12:29:00.001-07:00

Doors close and then doors open.

I'm keeping my head up high.

48 hours.

2008-05-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

My last post was a month after I moved to this city and it's now May 14th and I will be leaving Chicago in two short days. It's sad for me to think that my attitude in living here hasn't really changed much. Aside from growing accustomed to loneliness and dreaming of states of sunshine, I still feel that I'm not supposed to be here. I would love it if I felt differently but I don't and I'm okay with that.
My boxes are shipped, my bags are packed and finals are almost over. I'm really moving back. Praise God.
Even though I haven't exactly been the most emotionally stable person over the last nine months, I've grown a lot and I've changed a lot. Some good, some bad, some terrible, some beautiful. The memories here are sort of the same.

Things I will miss:
Sunshine pouring in my 11 foot windows.
The snow falling.
Earwax Cafe.
Lisa, Jeremy and Alex.
Buses and trains that make me seasick.
Tulips! Oh the glorious tulips!
Argo Tea.
Wicker Park.

This summer will be the best summer of my life. Except for all these weddings! :) I just want one of my own...asafp.

Whine Whine Whine.

2007-09-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be here anymore.
I want to want to be here. I wish that I could wake up in the mornings, rested and excited for the day that is just about to begin. Yet, I find myself waking up excited another day has passed because it brings me one step closer to going home. I'm wondering why this is. I cannot figure out if it's a result of missing my friends, boyfriend and family or if I genuinely feel that the decision to move here was wrong. I'm so torn between my emotions and logical reason. Something I've never really had trouble with. I mostly let my emotions control my every move which turns out to be a bit unhealthy at times.
It's so daunting to feel inadequate and one hundred percent uncomfortable. Almost on a daily basis my parents ask me if I'm happy and/or lonely. It's a fight to not spill my guts and for once be honest with them about my feelings. But, I cannot and will not let myself admit defeat. I realize that's not the best idea but pride generally clouds judgement.

Certainly it will get easier. I will find some range of contentment and I can only pray that I will begin to feel as though I'm in the right place. God in His wisdom brought me here and I'm more than positive that He will bring me through it with a greater understanding of myself, His Kingdom to come and most importantly, love.