I'm in this place where I don't understand anything around me and honestly, I don't have the desire to try and understand. My life has been such an awkward mess for the past...22 years and I'm just now trying to sort it out.

I've never really understood the concept of family. My family is everything but what I wish it would be. Everything I've always tried to avoid, every feeling of being pushed and pulled, wishing that my family in the future wouldn't turn out this way, is starring me straight in the face. Who knew that this would intrude on every area of my life? I see my mom everyday and I see how happy she is (slowly) becoming. She's learned to stand up for herself and for once is doing something for herself. I saw my dad about two weeks ago and I could hardly look at him. He looked so stressed and just tired. He's struggling in every way. It almost makes me feel guilty for being here with my mom but she's not the one that left. He was always the one who left. He just makes me feel like I don't exist. He doesn't talk and he doesn't listen, forcing me to ignore his "You never call me" complaints. Why would I? He hasn't even told me where he lives. I didn't want to choose and I'm not really sure if I have. I'm just hurt. He's never been a bad father but it doesn't feel like he was ever really there.

I want so badly to move on. To finally get over everything I've ever experienced. I don't know how. A year and a half ago I thought it was a great idea to move 1000 miles away in order to move on and it all brought me back. Now, in the midst of being lost, I find myself wishing I never moved home. I'm frustrated with an out of date school who teaches you to be like everyone else and I'm just so overwhelmed with everything else riding on my shoulders it's difficult to be optimistic. But I know that I have to be here. I couldn't be in Chicago because I was running away from everything and myself. I have to be here in order to move on. Whenever I get upset I always tell Jesse that I want to leave and he always says that running away doesn't fix anything, that my problems will follow me where ever I am. I guess I'm more like my dad than I thought.

I have visions and ideas and dreams. I want to be a good photographer, a better friend, a better daughter, a better girlfriend, a wife, a better lover, more giving, a more passionate follower of Christ....

I'm just scared of it all. So terribly scared.